King Harkinian
John Harkinian (January 2, 1955–August 27, 2015) is a fat, hairy, but jolly king. He rules all of Hyrule, including its five regions. He is also a famous character in YouTube Poop. He is rumored to be the very creator of this wiki, the YouTube Poop wiki, and indirectly responsible for the creation of the first YouTube Poop. Appearance In the Philips CD-i games and most YouTube Poops, King Harkinian has long, dark blonde hair and a beard with a moustache. He also wears a yellow-orange robe and a simple crown with a small triangle. Personality The King seems to be very hot-headed and eccentric. He has obsessions with many things, especially dinner, ships, scrubbing, and the number four. He sometimes will repeat things over and over so Link will hear him, and he has a severe case of pedophilism, alchoholism, and gluttony. He often abuses his power as the king, often raising taxes when he runs out of money, and has little tolerance for insults. He is a proponent of wumbology and is responsible for its inclusion in the Hylian education system. Although the King's intelligence level is debatable and seems to vary depending on his state of mind, he is capable of inventing things like the Dinner Blaster and a robotic duplicate of Link. He also likes cars and sports and doesn't care who knows it. He hates meme replacement, and he actually got tired of the memes he created, including Mah Boi and dinner, a long time ago. However, he still uses them because he knows from experience that people will stop caring about him if he doesn't. Biography John Harkinian was born to Clythia and Leonard Harkinian on January 2, 1955; he is the oldest of their eight children. Three days after John's birth, Dr. Rabbit snuck up beside him and tried to entertain him, literally scaring him to death. Fortunately, medics revived him a few minutes later, but the experience gave John brain problems. He didn't learn to walk until he was five years old, and couldn't speak until he was four, explaining why he keeps saying "for" a lot to this day. When John Harkinian was born, his mother was going through a divorce with Harold Harkinian, who would gain custody of John. However, he still saw his biological parents often, and he received much guidance from Leonard Harkinian. His teachers were eventually bribed into moving him from nursery school all the way to third grade. However, his father was exiled for bribing teachers to allow an "imbecilic eggface" to reach the third grade, which John flunked out of anyway in 1963. He also bought his signature goblet around that time. Harold Harkinian died in 1963, so from ages 8 to 15, John lived with his mother, the Queen of Hyrule. John was fed too much breakfast, which disgusted him, and he ended up being overfed dinner as well. Even worse, he was forced to eat poop for lunch every day. However, due to the high quality of his dinners, he grew to love that meal. Leonard Harkinian died when John was twelve years old; after that, John fell under the influence of his hippie uncle Joseph and ended up abusing drugs. His mother abandoned him and went to Koridai in 1970. Forced to live on his own, John raised his siblings and did some self-discipline, such as not eating lunch ever again and weaning himself off of drugs, and taught himself how to fight by enlisting in the navy and ordering people to attack him. John was prepared to become a king by the time he turned 21. At his coronation in 1976, King John Harkinian married Tylda Jones. He immediately began to issue laws saying that anyone who denied their kids the right of eating dinner would be imprisoned, hired Ipo as his scribe, and in the second year of his reign, he fought off an attack on Koridon by Ganon. Around the same time, he finally achieved sobriety and replaced Ipo with a Koridian magician and scholar named Gwonam. He later issued the PINGAS (Peaces Is Not Greatly Angering Sirs) Act of 1982 in response to the Hylian Civil War, meaning that a special parliament would prevent unreasonable declarations of war. In 1985, John and Tylda had a child, who they named Zelda after her mother's planned name. King Harkinian was becoming a drunkard at this point, probably as a result of the stress of dealing with Hurricane Zelda and the Hylian Civil War, and wasn't exactly a doting father to Zelda. He would often throw Triforces of Courage and attacked her whenever she expressed her freedom of speech, so Tylda hired her mother Impa to help raise Zelda. She was a much more doting mother. The King tried to get rid of his alcoholism at the Hylian Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center, but he had almost no success. The Hylian Market Crash nearly destroyed the Hylian economy in 1989. The King responded to this by annexing Koridai and revoking the rupee's status as the official Hylian currency. Things barely improved, so in 1991, the King hired Link to attack Gannonan and steal Ganon's money. The King was pleased with Link and eventually named the youth as a Mah Boi. The King's wife died in 1993, but by then the couple was getting along so poorly that this only caused a brief, mild period of sadness for the King. Later that year, Ganon retaliated for the Hylian attacks by seizing Koridai. The King offered to help free the island, but he ended up staying home due to Gwonam's prophecy that only Link could defeat Ganon. Soon after that, the King traveled to Gamelon to aid his cousin Duke Onkled in another fight against Ganon, only for Ganon to get his revenge by capturing the King. However, Zelda defeated Ganon and saved the King, and the King's way of thinking changed forever. After boosting his credibility as a diplomat by helping to found the Trinited Nations, the King decided to compete in the American presidential election of 1996 with Fat Mario as his running mate. He won, but just a few months after his inauguration, he was deposed in favor of Bill Clinton. This was probably because of the King's lack of experience and his plans to move the capital to Flagstaff, Arizona, which is much like his home city. Defeated, the King went back to Hyrule and started KingPictures Co., the predecessor to modern YouTube Poop. In 2005, The King launched the War on Lunch, a campaign to wipe out the meal in Gomalan, Koridon, and Gamelai. The King also began to appear in YouTube Poop that year when YouTube bought KingPictures. By now, he earns over 9,000 Hyrule dollars a week, or just over 1,280 a day and over 50 an hour. On February 23, 2009, Morshu decided to try to kidnap the king, in which he succeeded. The ransom of 100,000,000,000 Rupees was paid but Morshu got cocky again and thought he could just take the money, the king, and escape alive. Unfortunately, now a safe distance away from Morshu and with Zelda beside him, the King armed himself. Morshu figured that the King was to well armed to take now, but he figured he could at least gun down the king with his rocket launcher. The rocket missed a direct hit on the King and Zelda, which resulted in the King realizing Morshu's intentions and starting a massive hostile shootout in Morshu's shop. The King won in the end, but only after Link was severely wounded as well as Zelda, who was not as bad. Morshu received many gunshots before going down, but at the end it appeared he was dead, laying in a pool of his own blood. However, Morshu managed to limp to Ushrom, who treated him. Favorites *Boi: Link *Gorl: Zelda *Dinner: Onions (explaining his bad breath) *Game: Portal 2 *TV show: Scrubs *Movie: Jaws *TV character: Kenny McCormick *Band: KISS Video Games: *What's for Dinner? (Video game) *Cooking King *King Harkinian (video game) Books: *King Harkinian (book) *Dinner (book) Sexual Orientation The King is mostly straight, even showing signs of pedophilism on Zelda. He's sometimes gay, kissing Link or Gwonam, but tries to hide it, and he ran away to San Francisco when he accidentally told Zelda he was gay. He was once willing to aid Duke Onkled by giving him oral sex, but has refused sex from other people like Link and Dr. Robotnik. Sometimes he will even be attracted to hermaphrodites. He is basically bisexual, but recently he's had sexual orientation towards computers and animals. Age Some are not certain of his age, but many agree he is in his 50's or 60's. He celebrated his 54th birthday on January 2, 2009, so his age was confirmed for the first time. Sanity Issues King Harkinian suffers from alcoholism and is known to be mentally unstable, and certain things like bricks, refrigerators, and Reese's Pieces will make him lose his sanity or even his ability to think or speak. He also has occasional cannibalistic urges, and has eaten black children and furries. One time, after consuming drugged ice cream, he even hallucinated eating Zelda and Morshu. Family Main Article: Harkinian Family The king has four brothers and three sisters, not counting his half-siblings. His mother is dead, and so is his father. He is a bachelor and a widower since his wife died, too. He has a daughter, Zelda. Religious Views King Harkinian has been a devout atheist for most of his life ("Link is under attack by the evil forces of God") but tends to celebrate Christian traditions like Christmas and uses the Christian calendar. In mid-2010, however, he converted to Islam and began promoting the teachings of the Koran to anyone willing to listen. This may have just been an attempt to get Squad Allah to stop trying to kill him. Occupation King Harkinian has held a variety of jobs other than just being a king. He was also a warrior, a spokesperson for the War on Lunch, the founder and CEO of King Harkinian Cereal Co., and has been an officer of the Time Travel Police. Sometimes he is unemployed, and other times he is a time traveler. He is also a lawyer, a writer, an inventor, and is part of a group that works to make warriors strive for peace. He is also a shoe salesman, a mustard tester, and a drink tester. For two months, he was the president of the United States of America. Aliases *The King *King of Hyrule *Dinner King *Mah Mon *Father *Your majesty *Your omnipotence *My liege Criminal Record The King has been commiting crimes repeatedly. In 2008, he ended up littering his TV, running over Waldo in a street race, drunk driving, and insulting a police officer to his face. He also stole rupees, porn, dinner, and cakes. He downloads stuff like Sony Vegas illegally, and even worse, he usually watches porn while waiting for his downloads to finish. He is also a former Justin Bieber fan, meaning that if we still was, he would be fed nothing but magic balloons for the rest of his life. He also has tried to hit on Zelda and drug her while she was a minor. Death and Afterlife See King Harkinian's Death and The King's Ghost for more information. In 2015, Fari attacked the King with a knife in an act of treason. The King died, and he haunted Hyrule Castle for about 580 years until he got bored and decided to inhabit the body of Jake the Dog. When Jake died, too, he went to reinhabit his old body which was preserved but he died in 2808. The ghost haunted Coney Island until it was destroyed in 3011. Hobbies The King has lots of hobbies, including, of course, eating dinner. He sometimes likes attacking people, and listens/dances to music, especially disco. He also likes reading, but it is mostly newspapers and brochures that he likes to read, not William Shakespeare or Writewell. He sometimes likes playing the Wii, but his keeps malfunctioning. He also has a YouTube account where he uploads his YouTube Poops. He is obsessed with getting more subscribers and will often try to harass people into watching his videos. Sometimes he looks to his friends like Gwonam or Stan Smith to entertain him. Health Issues One of King Harkinian's kidneys is smaller than the other, explaining his frequent urination problems. He has a wheat allergy, yet he eats a lot of wheaty things like dough and toast. Between 1990 and 1992, he actually aged backwards due to serious exposure to anti-uctions. He is also obese and has a case of diabetes so severe that Morshu sometimes refuses to sell certain foods to him. However, he has no desire to change his eating habits, and Gwonam had to threaten to kill him to get him to go on a diet, which failed anyway. Finally, he has AIDS, but the HIV is dead, meaning his blood is a cure for AIDS. Trivia *He drinks diarrhea. He also thinks his poop is delicious and thinks everyone else should consume it. *His favorite color is light orange-ochre. *He tends to get drowsy when eating feces. *He tends to attack Link and Zelda a lot. *He likes getting massages from Gwonam. *He marketed Munf Munf until it was declared illegal. *He once actually got mumps from Munf Munf. *If combined with a Dinner Blaster or a Dinner Blaster v2, he becomes very powerful. *He once oah'd Duke Onkled. *He has a serious obsession with cereal and spider meat. *He once accidentally attacked Barack Obama. *He can swim for months without stopping. *He sometimes peeps into Princess Toadstool's door to see what she's doing. This is a very anti-uctiony thing to do. *He likes passing gas. *He eats chocolate egg, but when Link ate his egg, he imprisoned him. *He has traveled into the future, the past, the 5th dimension, Hell, heaven, and the Earth. *He eats a lot of antacids to explode his anus. *He rubs his butt on the floor like a dog. *He kisses dogs. *He hates Bill Clinton for winning his election. *He often watches porn whenever he's on a computer. *He has the power to shoot energy balls out of his hands. *He can see the second dimension of time. *He licks people who hate him. It would be cool if he were a dog or a cat, but this is just disgusting! *Do not eat his dinner. He will kill you if you do. Sometimes he will eat your gonads if you do. *If he eats Reece's Pieces, he will go crazy. *He has made multiple attempts to create and capitalize cereals, but most have failed. *He seems to have made an enemy with Mario Head. *Gnorris once gave him AIDS. *He once thought he was Billy Mays. *If you make him really angry, he will pull out his pingas Dinner Blaster and attack everyone in the room. *He starred in every YouTube Poop video game to date. *He is very conflicted on whether or not he likes his boy. *He once grew so huge he ended up eating Link. *He has been repeatedly killed, but he kept escaping the pit to come back to life. *He once had a gay affair with Link. *He is a Brony. *He got trapped in I.M. Meen's book, in which he met a fairy and ate it. *He has constant arguments with Mario characters. *He created the role-playing game Morshu starring Morshu. *He served as the captain on a ship that was destroyed by Uncle Grandpa's head, but a giant octopus saved him. *He once got Link to shave his beard off, creating the form Shaved King. *His power level is over 9,000. *He has a crush on Mah boi. *He once dyed his hair orange but, got it back to normal a few minutes later. *He seems to have a tumblr page. Quotes *"Mah boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!" *"Hmm. How can we help?" *"Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. I'm going to Gamelon to aid him." *"I'll take the Triforce of Courage to protect me. If you don't hear from me in a month, send Link." *"Enough. My ship sails in the morning. I wonder what's for dinner?" *"You saved me!" *"After you scrub all the floors in Hyrule. Then we can talk about mercy. Take him away!" *"Oah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" *"Yes! Funny cereal!" *"I'm going to San Fransisco." *"Don't you understand what a month means?" *"Zelda, the floor is under my feet." *"I saved myself!" *"Zelda, I'm always talking about dinner." *"Talk to me, boy." *"I don't know what to say." *"Enough is enough. What the f--k is dinner?" *"Mah boi, I'm going to use my eyes as a camera." *"Help me! Save me! Protect me!" *"Mah boi, the Wii is what all true warriors strive for!" *"You owned me!" *"Hey, we can talk about balls!" *"This is mah boi, Link. He's gay, as you can see." *"Enough. I'm going to Subway for dinner." *"Don't talk s--t, what's for my f--king dinner?" *"I'm gay! Oh s--t, I didn't mean to say that." 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